Empty Nest, Full Life.

• Empty Nest, Full Life

Ayana (00:00)

I wonder if the Amazon delivery person misses me. Persons, I should say. In the weeks leading up to my daughter leaving for college, that delivery person from Amazon was at my house. Some delivery person from Amazon was at my house nearly every day for about two weeks straight. My daughter needed everything.

For college. She needed all of the accoutrement, the pillows, the bedding. She needed posters and wall things and floor things and desk things and she needed hygiene things. And I mean, these kids nowadays, these Gen Z or Jen, whatever you call them now, the 18 to 22-year-olds, they're very familiar with how to get things delivered. They have everything delivered.

They still go to the mall every once in a while, but they're very much into the delivery system of things. And so now that she's not here and she's living in her dorm, I I don't get things delivered. There's no more Uber Eats coming to my house. There's no more, you know, deliveries from Fashion Nova. Amazon's not here. Like, does anybody know that I'm still alive?

Ladies and gentlemen, I have two kids in college. I've got some explaining to do. Let's get into it.

Hey everyone, welcome back for another episode of Ayana Explains It All, the podcast bridging the gap between current events and human behavior. I am your explainer-in-chief, Ayana R. Fakhir The R is for ravishing. She's ravishing, darling. My first name is spelled A-Y-A-N-A. And the website for the show is www.a-yana. Explainsitall.com. That's where you can find everything about the show, like the streaming platforms.

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On the website. But I know a lot of you use Spot Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and every episode of the show is there. But on the website, I have transcripts, I have show notes, I have show descriptions, I have a blog that I haven't updated in a while. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. I've been so busy. Did you hear I have two kids in college? But also, you can find ways to support my cause. And what is my cause? Well, I have an opinion on everything.

And I do mean everything, and it has angered some people. I have drawn the ire of many a person. Men mostly. Men, you know what? You know what, men, you all are not okay. You're not. Anyway, yeah, so go to the website www.aiana explains it all dot com to learn about the podcast and ways to support me and ways to find me on social media. Find the podcast on social media.

I'm on TikTok, I'm on threads, I'm on Instagram, I'm on Facebook. I probably am still on X, although I don't use X except maybe once a month to check some sports stuff. Soccer, of course. I don't watch any other sports. But yeah, so look for me, find me, Ayana Fakir. Ayana explains it all. Let's get into the show. Listen, ladies and gentlemen, I hadn't planned on this.

But you know what? God is the best of planners. He is. He is. He said you needed both of them kids out of your house at the same time so you could get some rest. And damn it. I'm sorry. And darn it. I'm actually I'm getting a little bit more rest. I am a little bit. A little bit. I still am shopping for a mattress. I haven't decided which one will be the one, you know. One is coming.

But I don't know which one is gonna be the one. So that might cure the rest of my inability to sleep ills. But my daughter, before she left, she gave me these squishmallows. Have you heard of these squishmallows? they're they're supposed to be for children, but I find myself sometimes feeling childlike while I'm curled up in my bed and feeling pain in my lower back because of my poor mattress.

and I need to be surrounded by pillows that make me feel comforted, make me feel enclosed. And these squishmallows, this is not an ad, by the way. These squishmallows help a lot. They are so comfy. they really help. She gave me one when I was having a particularly bad time. And I was like, wait a minute. I like this. Why do I like this? What is this? What am I doing? I'm an adult. Why do I why do have a squishmallow?

I don't even know what it is. It's it's like a cupcake or something with a crown and it's a cat. I don't know, but it helps. They're very soft. They're very soft. And I had gone to the the thrift store the other day and I saw one for four dollars. And yes, I picked it up. So now there's one on my couch. If you come to my house and you see a squishmallow on my couch, keep your mouth closed. Okay. So I am here. I don't want to say where I am because I don't want you.

Freaks come into my house, be like, hey, she said she lives alone. I don't live alone. No, I have plants. I am never alone. I have 50 plants, okay? But I am in Ohio. it's still hot here. This is September 2nd, 2026, and we are in the midst of a heat wave in Ohio, and it is very hot. In fact, my daughter called me today from her college, which is three hours from home.

And she said, Mommy, I have never felt heat like this before. And I just laughed. So far, she has complained about she's complained about the food, the heat, the on campus bus. She's complained about the hills that she has to walk. She's complained about the length of the classes. She's the only black person in all of her classes, the poor dear.

she's complained about the fire alarms. and and the list goes on and on and on.

And this girl, you know, she's just she's adjusting. She's adjusting. She's used to a routine in our house where, you know, everything is available at the drop of a hat because she had a mother providing it for her.

It's not that I made my children's lives very comfortable, but I did make it seamless for them most most of the time. Sometimes I they did have to do chores to earn things. But once they got their own little money, you know, and they could buy what they want and have what they want. If they didn't like the food that I cooked for dinner, they can order something and the food would be right there.

And my daughter isn't working. And so she has to rely on dining hall food. Otherwise, she's gonna go broke. I told her you can't have Uber Eats delivered to your dorm every day. You don't have that kind of money, and I'm not gonna give it to you. And so you better learn to like whatever eggplant souffle quiche they're serving in the dining hall and suck it up until you're able to come home and refuse to eat the food that I cook and order DoorDash from.

brassica or canes or Chick-fil-A like you usually do. She's very not happy with the jokes that I tell. She says, Mommy, why are you laughing at me? I'm suffering. No, you're not. You're not. These kids need to get used to being in different kinds of environments. You can't be home all the time. Now I fully anticipate at least one or two of them will be back here. So the joy

That I'm in I'm feeling now of being able to walk around my house without pants on, because they would never let me walk around my house without pants on. The joy that I feel right now is is short. It's short. But you know what I'm finding about life is that troubles don't last always, and neither does joy. people are asking me every single day. In fact, my mother called me last night and said, How are you doing? I'm fine.

You know, the first week of this, the first week, I was torn up. I was in bad shape. I was sad. I was crying. I was I was a little lonely. Now I'm okay. Second week I'm like, okay. This is fine. This is great. And it is. The only thing is that sometimes I have nobody to talk to.

At all. And so I never use my voice in an entire day. And that is something I don't think I've ever experienced in my entire life. I don't think I've gone one day since I was born without saying a word. And yesterday and the day before, no, not yesterday, because I did end up talking to somebody at like nine o'clock, my mother, but the whole day, nobody, nobody. I did not use my voice. I'm afraid I might lose it.

I'm afraid I might lose my voice. I'll become silent, like how Ariel did when she sold her voice to that witch so she could be with that man on land. What a stupid thing to do.

You know, and Michelle Obama on her podcast that she does with her brother spoke to Jon Stewart about this, and people were up in arms. And I'm just like, I get it, honey. I get it. He was talking about how sad he's been since his kids left for college.

And her brother was like, Yeah, I'm gonna be sad. His kids are, I guess they're still in high school, maybe. And Michelle Obama was like, I'm not, I'm happy. I raised you, you're young women now. See ya. I get to have my own life now. I get to do me, I get to go where I want, do what I want. And I was like, Hell yeah, hell yeah. Go where you want, do what you want when you're and you can do that.

Limitedly on a limited basis when your children are young, when they're not 18. You can do that on a limited basis when they're in your house because when they're in school in like primary school, you're always having to do something for them every single day. Or, you know, I had to pick my daughter up from work every single day, which I didn't mind. You know, that's what mommy's here for.

To pick anybody up from work. I don't have to take anybody to work except for myself. I don't have to. Hey mommy, can you get my package off the porch? Ain't gotta do that. Hey mommy, what's for dinner? Nobody cares. I can have an apple for dinner, a handful of grapes and a cookie. And nobody cares. No one. It doesn't bother anybody what I what I wear around the house. It doesn't bother anybody that.

I might leave a pair of socks in the living room because I slept on the couch. It doesn't bother anybody that I even slept on the couch. My daughter used to like like mommy, don't sleep on the couch. But the couch is more comfortable than my bed. I've talked about the mattress. We're we're moving past that. I'm I'm working on it. Nobody cares if I if I don't if I have laundry piled up in the basement. I mean, I got clothes, honey. Mashallah, I got clothes. Which means

Even though I work from home, I do still have a lot of laundry, but I don't need to do laundry every week because I have a lot of clothes. So I don't do laundry every week and nobody gets upset. Nobody cares. I have to be the one who cares about all of these things now.

It's crazy. I'm like, okay, Ayana, nobody's here t to to be bothered by this. Nobody is here to ask you why you didn't buy the so and so pizza, frozen pizza, or how come there's no milk? Or where's the the soap, the bathroom soap for the where's the shower gel? Can you buy me some shower gel? Can you buy me some deodorant? Nobody's here. It's just you.

So you have to be fully responsible for all of these things. I can't just let my house go to pot just because it's me here. I can't, even though, even though I would like to, I can't fully walk around with no pants on because yeah, all of the shades are pretty much open in my house because of the plants. So unless I want to give my neighbors a show, I still have to be somewhat clothed, I have to make sure the dishes are washed. Yes, that's me now.

I'm the dishwasher. Well, I am the dishwasher loader and unloader, is what I am. I have to make sure whatever I buy I eat, because it's going to spoil if I don't eat it. There's nobody else here to eat it. There's no one here to eat the leftovers.

And you know what?

It hit me. It hit me in that first week. Like at the end of the first week, I said, I had no idea until I was here by myself and just able to do whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to, how I wanted to. That I had spent 20 plus years managing the lives of someone else. Is like I have spent

Two decades or so managing, raising my children. That is a long time to be taking care of me and taking care of other people. This is what I've been doing. I didn't realize how much time I had been dedicating to my kids. Y'all, how much time I had dedicated to my children, to their tasks and their errands, and their sports and their school activities.

And helping them with their homework and making sure they wash their clothes and clean their room and making sure they did their other chores and and I love talking to them. They're hilarious. but most of my time was spent raising them. And that is because they are not my friends. I am their parent. That's my job to raise them, and that is what I did.

I've been being a mom and not making time for Ayana. Not making time for the things that I wanted to do, the things I needed to do. You know, just the little things like my my nighttime routine. it was usurped by me having to pick up somebody from work or worry about when somebody was getting home or, you know.

I was doing so many things every single day that I would be too tired to do all of the extra things for myself. Now I have time and I'm not as tired.

I feel free, but at the same time, I know that I have to I have to be available somewhat to my children when they call. And they do call. My daughter calls me because she doesn't text me back. She said, mommy.

I'm too busy to text back. I have to text back so many people, but all I've been doing is studying. I told her when she got to school, when we when I dropped her off, I said, get ahead of your work, do not get behind it. Get ahead, do not get behind it. Schedule everything. Schedule every class. Put every class on your calendar. Schedule time for studying, schedule time for eating.

So that you can see everything you're supposed to do every single day, so that you can see when you will have time for yourself. Otherwise, you will let your studying blend into your personal time, or you will study all the time and you won't eat and you won't just, you know, give yourself some free time.

That is something that I've had to do in my own life. You know, schedule time to just do nothing, chill out. I have to stop work at a certain time. I have to. I can't just work wherever I want to in my house. I have to work in my office. I have to set boundaries with the things around me. And I have to enforce them.

I still work in my office. I'm not gonna let my life just kind of fall apart,

I still have a program over here because I know kids will be back on break. There's fall break, there's winter break, there's summer break. And they're gonna be looking to see if things are the same. That's why they love coming back home because things are the same when they come back home. When they come back home and they they see that everything has changed. the poor dears. The poor dears. Their little brains can't handle it. They overload.

The steam starts coming out of their ears. But

I'm adjusting. I have never, do you hear me? I have never lived alone in my entire life. I went from my parents' house to college to my married home.

Then back to my parents' house, then back to a married home. Then I became a mom, was divorced, back to my parents' house, then living with a baby, living with a little big head baby. And then I was just always living with a kid. I've always been I've been living with a kid or some other person. I have never lived alone. And the other day I came home and I said,

I own a house. I own a house. I have a house. I have a house. Alhandlilah, mashallah. I never really saw it as my house because I bought it so the kids would have a house to grow up in and yards and a good school system. I didn't buy the house for me. I bought it because I had kids and I wanted them to have room. And they've had room. And now they're both very tall.

This is really their house. This was their house. It's still their house. But now it's mine to myself. It's mine to myself.

And it's fine because I'm I'm prepared for it. I'm an adult, please. I can be alone. That's not the issue. There is no issue, actually.

I can be alone and I I am. A lot of people, when you know their kids go off to college, there's usually someone else there with them, like a spouse or a partner or another kid. And I had my daughter for four years while my son was at at college. He's now in his fifth year, and thinking about going to graduate school. And now she's away and it's just me. And you know what? I was so proud of myself.

Because I moved her to college all by myself. Yeah, I did that all by myself. I did it with my son too. Although he's a football player. So he was actually able to carry all of the things to the door. But I helped him pack the car.

Allah has blessed me. Allah has blessed me in so, so, so, so many ways. And I am so grateful for the help that I have received. I moved my daughter to college by myself, yes. But I had help in getting her to what she needed for college. I had help from friends and family, especially family,

I'm just very grateful. I'm very grateful that people stepped up for her and people continue to look out for her. And, you know, how's she doing? They call me and ask me how she's doing. They text me how she's doing. And, you know, she's adjusting. She's adjusting. She's she's been away from home before, so it's not a big deal. She's been on a college campus before. And the one thing I know that I did for her, because I knew this was going to be her path, inshallah. I I I

I knew it. I prepared her for the outside world. I made her learn how to use a public bus, made her get a job so she would know how to work and know how to deal with people. I made her get involved in school clubs and things. But on her own, she was able to make friends. She always had a lot of friends. She was always hanging out and going different places.

And and having all of these different experiences. But one thing I also did was I made her spend time by herself with herself, made her go enjoy things by herself so that she could know for herself that it was okay to be alone, that it was okay to do things without people, that it was okay to experience life on her own without

anybody else around for her to have fun and live life and find the good in life, find joy in life. I made her do all those things.

And that is perhaps something I didn't I didn't really do for my son because he was always he was always with people because he played football. So there were always people around. There was always football players around, over, sleeping over. He was always doing something football related. So he always had that. But he he had worked before. So he knew that. But he knew how to drive. She, you know, is kind of iffy on the driving. But she knows how to get around.

She knows how to get to where she needs to go. I made sure that she was street, smart, street savvy.

But I also made sure that she knew how to take care of herself. If she gets sick, if she's in a precarious situation, who to call, who to talk to. She doesn't always make the best, brightest decisions. I mean, she's a teenager. How could she? But she knows how to dial 911. She knows how and when.

and I tell both of my kids this life is work, honey. This life is work. And unless you are independently wealthy, you don't get a freaking day off until all of your work is done, until the game is finished. College is a game. You got four years, five years, and you got to finish the game. You got to be in the game all the time.

You got to be ahead in the game. You got to lead in the game and you got to finish the game. When you get a job, you show up on time, you do the work, and you go home. If you don't make a single friend, who cares? Because you are not there for people. You are there to work. You are there to learn. You are there to work. Period. And what is going to help you understand that is failure. Don't nobody like to fail. No, nobody like to fail.

Them F's, them failing grades, them firings, you get fired. Them you getting kicked off of this team or that team, you getting kicked out of this club or that club because you didn't do your duties. Don't nobody like that. How do you keep that from happening? Diligence, diligence, rigor, resilience. That's another thing you have to teach your kids. The bounce back.

There will be disappointments. There will be firings and failings and all of that. There will be disappointments. You won't get the A on everything when you're in college. In high school, you might be the big person on campus, and then you go to college and you are the small fish in the big pond. Or you are the big fish in the pond with a bunch of other big fishes. Everybody's a big fish in college. They are all there because they are also talented and smart.

Ain't no dummies in college. No, they kick the dummies out. They weed the dummies out. You fail out of college. You may not be able to fail out of high school. Well, some people do. But you fail out of college, you get kicked out, you don't get to come back. So everybody in college is a big fish in that pond. And there are no more awards, awards ceremonies. There's no more, none of that. You might not even get recognition for the hard work that you do.

You'll get an A and it'll be like, okay, you got an A. If you get an A in high school on a test, you get an A. You get all A's on your report card. my God, you got an A. You get, you know, Dean's List. I did happen to make Dean's List several times in college. Yes. And I did graduate with honors. Anyway. But sometimes the recognition is just the silent recognition, the silent satisfaction you get from yourself.

Of knowing that the hard work that you put into it is paying off.

And when you look at your grades and you look at everything else and you you don't see the results, it's because maybe you're not putting in the work to get the results you think you deserve. So you have to put in the work. This is something that I've told my told my kids since they were little. You can't do nothing and get a big payoff. You can't do the minimum and get the maximum. You can't do it. You cannot do it. Some people do get a nice head start. Some people do.

And so they're able to to do little. But those people are very few. And my kids are not those people.

They are not independently wealthy, although I would love for them to be, inshallah, please, somebody retire their mom. But life is work. You start working, you know, 16. I started working when I was 16. That was thirty years ago. It was a long time ago. And I'm as old as I am, and I am still working. And I that's fine.

And I take pride in my work and I work hard because I know that there are people depending on me.

I have two kids in college.

y'all pray for them. You know, pray for all these kids. It's it's tough. The world has gotten tougher, meaner, not even tougher. It's just mean. The world has gotten so freaking mean. People are just nasty and they're very self-interested. They're very much, what's in it for me? How much money can I get put into my pockets?

People will throw you under the bus, they'll stab you in the back. That was the other thing, you know? I gotta make sure my kids get their absentee ballot so they can vote. Because this midterm is is very important. It's very important to their future. Listen, I'm not even gonna shit you. The economy's bad. It's bad.

Unemployment numbers are are not good. We're not adding jobs to the economy.

we're all looking at this train barreling towards us because the break isn't working.

And some of us are getting out of the way of the train. And some of us are like, you know what? I think I can hop onto that train and fix that break and save the day.

Those people are what I like to call delusional.

We really need we we we it's not just that we need change. We need people who are interested in moving this thing forward.

So we need the kids to remember when they're in college, you can still vote in college. You can get your absentee ballot. In the state of Ohio, you can get an absentee ballot delivered to your dormitory and you can vote. And listen, call your parents, kids.

I don't think there are any kids listening to this, but call your parents and parents, call your kids. Text your kids, call your kids.

And I just Always think two steps ahead with your decisions. Big decisions, little decisions.

Always think two steps ahead. Sometimes thinking two steps ahead Will prevent you from making a mistake, will prevent you from doing something dangerous, will prevent you from wasting your time or having your time wasted. Think two steps ahead. I haven't always done this. Now I do this. I think two steps ahead and it saves me. It saves me. Or I pray.

And God guides me to the right direction. You always need guidance. You always need guidance. I don't care how old you are. I don't care what you've done in life, what wonderful thing you've done in life, and how many years of experience, you always need guidance. Thinking two steps ahead, asking your mom or your dad or your nana or your uncle.

Always be thinking two steps ahead. I remember when I did the episode with my kids when they had I think my son had just finished, finished his freshman year of college. And my daughter had just finished her freshman year of high school. And I had them on the podcast to get their opinion on how that went. And they were so bright. Like they had so much hope, and they were so bright.

And now my daughter, she's just like, Mommy, this is so I'm just over this.

And my son is like, mommy, please. This stuff is just exactly. Exactly. And it's temporary. Sometimes we get into these situations and we think they're gonna last forever. No, nothing lasts forever. But you can endure something for four years, five years. You can endure something to get to a higher point. You can endure a four-year journey.

To a higher point on a mountain or whatever. You know what I'm trying to say. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing is as bad sometimes as we think it is, or nothing is as hard as we think it is sometimes. Sometimes things are easier, sometimes things are harder, yes, but it's not insurmountable. Nothing is insurmountable. Everything is as this poster on one of my co-workers, Cubicle says.

Everything is figure outable. And that is the truth. Every problem can be solved. What you can't come back from is death. So when you kids are out there, and I hope, I hope kids listen. Not kids, but you know, teenagers, whatever, college-age people or parents, impart this wisdom to your children. When you're out there drinking, doing drugs, remember.

Anything can happen when you're impaired. Absolutely anything. You could be drinking and get sick. And you could die. Or you could kill somebody, get behind the wheel of a car and kill somebody. I'm seeing that a lot more lately.

People are driving impaired. People are driving drunk when there are so many more options for getting home when you are impaired than ever before. But also, kids, when they first go to college, that's the first thing they do is get bloody stinking fucking drunk.

And they get drunk on the weekends. And then some of them get drunk during the week. Then you got a problem. Then you got a problem. But they don't know how to stop. They don't know how to have one or two drinks. And I'm not encouraging anybody to drink. I'm Muslim. Don't do it, honey. Listen, don't do it. It's better that you not even start. It's better that you not even start. But if you are doing it.

Go easy. Go easy. Just like you shouldn't be eating a whole fucking bag of cookies, you shouldn't be drinking a whole twelve pack of beer.

You know, people who smoke weed, take it easy.

It's not harmless. It isn't. It's not. I'm a disability lawyer. I would know. I would know. And I do. And all the other drugs, you know, there's so many: crack, heroin, fentanyl, the opioid abuse. You know, you don't know what people are putting in the weed that they give you nowadays. You don't know what kind of pill people are offering you. You don't know if somebody has put something in your drink.

There's so many ways for people to get high and for people to take advantage of you. It's just you got to think two steps ahead and you got to take it easy on yourself. If you're feeling like you need to do that to unwind after class, maybe there's something wrong. Maybe this class is not a class you should be in if you have to drink after class. Maybe, you know what? Hell, maybe college isn't for you. If you got to get drunk.

To relax after a week of class, maybe it's not for you. And I say this also for people who have to get drunk after work or who have to get drunk at the end of a work week. Maybe that job is not for you. Or maybe the alcohol isn't for you because you have to get drunk. You can't have just one alcohol. You gotta have a whole bottle of liquor.

Just saying, consider, you know, drinking less, smoking less, and praying more. Pray more. But y'all, I have two kids in college and I am living alone for the first time in my life, and I'm learning more about myself. I'm learning that I actually do love myself and I love my children, and I love the Lord.

But I also love the little life that I have and I'm grateful for it. I'm very grateful for it. And I worked really hard to have this. I have often longed and yearned for more. But what I have been given, I am grateful for. I am very grateful for. And my children are, I think, I think they're they're they're making an impact where they are. I mean.

My daughter certainly has. She knows how to stand up for herself. She's not a a sheep. She is not a pushover. My son is very strong, very strong. And he is he has fortitude. Yeah, fortitude. But they both know how to advocate for themselves. And that is something that I've I've had to teach them.

There's nothing weak about needing help if you have an alcohol or drug problem or a mental health problem, or you know, you get a sty on your eye, you got allergies. There's nothing weak.

About saying, hey, I need to get some help for this. Especially if you, you know, you got health insurance kids. You're on your parents' health insurance until you're 26. Make use of it, y'all. But hey, this this is this is a different phase of life. It's a new normal. One of my friends has been talking to me about this, and she said, This is your new normal, and you're adjusting to this new normal, and you need to to be.

To go easy on yourself as you tell your children to go easy on themselves. You go easy on yourself too, Ayana. You be easy with yourself. Don't be hard on yourself. Don't feel guilty for being a little sad. You can cry a little, that's fine, but just ease, ease yourself into it and get used to it because things change. People grow up, people move away, and that's okay. People come back and that's okay too.

It's it's good that my children have this place, inshallah, that they can come back to when they need to. And it's good that I have this place that I can I can work from home and I can have 50 plants and I live in a a nice neighborhood with my neighbors who are also very nice. And yeah, I'm just grateful. I'm grateful for this moment, for this time, and I pray the best for everyone, honestly.

This has been Ayana Explains It All, brought to you by facts, figures, and analysis. Take care. Call your kids.