He may be your husband, but he ain't ya man.

He may be your husband, but he ain't ya man.

Ayana: [00:00:00] I was in Ulta the other day. No big surprise there. I spent a lot of time there. Spent a lot of money there. But this isn't about Ulta. It's not about makeup. It's about a conversation that was going on. There were some girlies chatting up about their Galentine's Day. How did you spend your Galentine's?

Galentine's. And I hadn't heard of Galentine's, uh, until it, I think it was Parks and Rec. The Amy Poehler character did a Galentine's with her best friend, Anne. And I'm like, Oh, yeah, that's so cute that people, you know, show love to their friends instead of doing it on, on Valentine's Day and waiting for that special someone to show love to.

They'd show it to their friends. That's so wonderful. Then I'm like, Oh, Galentine's, that means Valentine's Day is coming up. That means people are going to be rushing out to buy heart shaped this and heart shaped that. And dark chocolate, edible panties, and, um, I don't know, underwear in the shape of rose [00:01:00] buds.

And probably getting engaged, probably at hotels, setting them people's, uh, rooms on fire with those little tea light candles. But it also got me to thinking about something that people probably don't think of as being a good gift for Valentine's Day. Or for the person you love in general. That is mutual support.

I've got some explaining to do. Let's get into it. Hey everyone, welcome back for another episode of Ayanna Explains It All, the podcast bridging the gap between current events and human behavior. I am your [00:02:00] host, Ayanna Fakir, your Black Muslim lady lawyer who has an opinion on everything and I'm coming to you pre recorded on this Monday evening. of February 10th, 2025, because there is no rhyme or reason to my recording schedule.

It's just whenever I feel the spirit in my heart. But I am in Ohio. It's, um, apparently still winter. God help me. Every time I go outside, it's some new form of cold. It's like icy cold, windy cold, snowy cold. Today it's icy cold. I managed not to fall. I managed not to slip and fall anywhere. Which is, you know, Alhamdulillah.

Thank you, God. But, um, Ayana Explains It All is the podcast that bridges the gap between current events and human behavior and it is available on multiple streaming platforms. We even have our own website. But you can find us on Spotify, Amazon Pod, Amazon Music, rather. [00:03:00] You can find me on Audible.

Find the podcast on Audible. Good pods. Podchaser. Uh, iHeartRadio. Did I say that already? But our flagship is Spotify. You can find us on Apple Podcasts as well. You can go to our website, which is www. ayanaexplainsitall. com. That's www. ayanaexplainsitall. com. And you can find every episode of the show. This is Season 4 that we're in.

This is the third episode, and I'm so proud of myself with my consistent recording schedule. But you can find all of the episodes, you can find show notes, transcripts, um, there are media players there, you can find your favorite media player or your favorite place to, to browse podcasts and just go right to it and, and you can subscribe to my podcast, you can rate it on your favorite media player site, you can even rate it on my website, [00:04:00] but you can also review it.

You can send me a voicemail. You can send me an email. The show's email is ayanaexplainsitall at gmail. com if you have questions or you want to collaborate. I'm open for collaboration. I'm open to have guests on my show. I finally upgraded my, um, hardware. And I got one of those Zoom recorders to do field recording.

But it also allows me to hook up my phone to a microphone so that I can record phone conversations. Or interviews, rather, from my phone, and I don't have to have people use that stoop. I don't like video, okay? Not comfortable with video yet. But I also don't like the, um, video integration in my editing software because it glitches and the net, and it depends on people's networks, and also people have to have good Microphone and headphone equipment and things.

And whereas this, you can just call me on your phone, just [00:05:00] shifts. You already got the phone in your hand. Call me on your phone. We can do an interview. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about. I talk about all kinds of things here. I talk about relationships, parenting, jobs, obviously. I talk about politics and government.

I talk about history. I talk about race relations. I talk about religion. I am Muslim. I sometimes talk about Islam and being Muslim in the United States and around the world. But this is not a podcast about Muslims. This is the podcast hosted by a Muslim person. Right? Because I am just a human being after all, and I talk about a lot of human being stuff.

Technology. Economics. I am your PBS NewsHour. , if you want to sponsor this show, please. This show cost a lot of money to produce. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It's, it's, I'm trying to use it to make money, but so far, it's, um, it's made, it's made a little bit of money. A little, very little. I would love to make more so [00:06:00] that maybe I can, um, retire from Elon Musk's government, uh, within the next 10 years .

 Again, go to www. ayanaexplainsitall. com for all things podcast. Let me know what you think. Share the show with a friend or a family member. Tell them that you know this Muslim woman who has an opinion on everything and she's She just wants to share her opinion.

I just want to share with you. I just want to share my opinion with you because I love you and I want you to be the best version of yourself. Yeah, I know I don't know you. I can still love people I don't know, right? Speaking of love, okay. I don't do relationship advice, except maybe once a year, because, why?

Because I suck at relationships. Um, I suck at relationships because I never loved myself. And until you love yourself, you can't really truly love someone else. Like, you can love your kids, you can [00:07:00] love your mom, but if you want to be in a romantic relationship, you're probably going to go into that with some kind of messed up idea about what love and, and relationships should look like because you don't know.

And that's, that was me. That was me. Uh, I've been on my self love journey and I feel like I've developed a good, healthy love of myself. I love myself so much that I only want to spend time with myself. I kind of shy away from giving relationship advice because usually people don't want to hear that from someone who is single.

And I'm single as a, not even a Pringle, because those Pringles come in a can of like a hundred, so. Um, I'm single like a, uh, strand of hair you find in your donut. I don't know. But, this has been on my mind for a couple of days, right? For a couple of days, for a very good reason. I always get [00:08:00] a bee stuck in my bonnet.

I always get a bee stuck in my bonnet, and I, um I will go to one of my friends first and I'll, I'll flesh the topic out with them and I'm going, what do you think about this? What do you think about this? What do you think about this? And they'll either tell me that I'm, you know, off track or they'll be like, yeah, that sounds good.

And this time I got a, yeah, that sounds like something you, you can explore. That sounds like you've got, I get where you're coming from Ayana. Always love to get a, I get where you're coming from Ayana. You don't have to tell me that I'm right. Just go. I get where you're coming from. Just, I get where you're coming from Aiyana, and so, um, it's not a secret that people in relationships often feel alone and unsupported, like there's some point in time in their relationship where they feel like their partner really isn't showing up for them or really isn't there for them. But it's [00:09:00] also no secret that people in general simply have no idea to how to live together, how to be together, how to work together, how to cooperate together. And in relationships, people have those basics, they get those basics down, right?

The dating, let's go to the movies, let's go out to eat, let's go bowling, or whatever the hell you people in relationships do. You know how to kiss, and you know how to hug, and you know how to give gifts, and you know how to do other intimate things, and you know how to hold hands and stand in line at Cedar Point wearing the same outfit.

So that everyone can tell that you're on a date with your boyfriend and you're getting on a rollercoaster. Oh, great. But when you ask, when you ask a woman who is in a relationship, who is her biggest fan, does she say it's her [00:10:00] partner? Like in a heterosexual relationship, does she say, Oh, it's my man, of course.

No, she'll probably say, Oh, it's my best friend. Who's probably a girl or could be a gay guy, but she'll say, Oh, it's my dad, my mom and dad. You ask a man who his biggest fan is, he's got to say, Oh, my girlfriend or my wife. For sure. For sure. She's my biggest fan. Why is that? Why, why are women their man's biggest fan?

Their biggest support, their biggest, their loudest cheerleader. But for women, their man is not their biggest support, their biggest cheerleader, their champion. Why is that? And I've, I've talked with my, um, therapist about this and she, she says, she's hilarious. [00:11:00] She says, you know, men don't want a partner.

Men don't want a partner. They want, um, a warm body. They want somebody to take care of them. They're not looking for someone to champion, somebody that they have to be there for. They're looking for someone who's going to be there for them, who's going to physically support them, and that physical support is duties and tasks.

And going to the office parties with them and doing all the things that make them feel good when they come home and they don't have to worry about their clothes are washed, their meal is cooked, the floor is not dirty. Not that they even care because they probably like it that way.

But, women want a partner, right? Women want partners. We want to partner. That's, [00:12:00] that's what we want. That's in our nature to want that. Or that's how we've been nurtured. That's how we've been groomed as we've grown up. That's what we've been groomed to look for. A partner. Someone who's going to do all the little things for us, with us, around us, to us.

And we'll do the same for them because there's this mutual giving and taking. There's giving and taking, giving and taking. But most women find themselves giving, giving, giving, giving. And the man doing a lot of taking and they're not getting. There's no reciprocation, right? Remember that famous, that famous line from that Lauryn Hill song?

Tell me who I have to be to gain some reciprocity. Because no one loves you more than me. And no one ever will. You see that, people forget about that part because no one loves you more than me. That means she is his biggest fan. His [00:13:00] biggest, greatest fan. And she's been giving him all of that energy. And she hasn't been receiving any from him because he's not giving it.

Not because she's not open to receiving it, but because he has not been giving it to her. But she's been giving it to him. And us women, we don't like to admit when something is over. So we will give and give and give. We'll give for years. 10, 20, 30, 40 years. I saw a video. This woman the other day, she was like, we've been married for 50 years, but

I'm tired of being cheated on, so I'm leaving him. At some point, we, we are done. But it's usually later than what is normal. We're, we're done in our heads, but we stay because there's a comfortability. There's a familiarity. This is our fantasy. I'm a fantasy man and I have the fantasy life.

We have the house and You probably [00:14:00] got some kids and it probably looks really good to your community that you're married. It looks good to your family that you're married and you have all these memories together. Oh, the memories. Look at the photographs. So we stay to preserve that fantasy,

so that we can make more memories. More family trips with a person you don't like. I've seen it. I have seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it! People in relationships have these basics down, right? When you ask them who their biggest fan is, the woman says, someone who was not her partner. The man will say it's his partner.

Now, I spend a lot of, um, time on my podcast talking about finding joy. How important finding joy is to your everyday life. How important finding joy is to your, to sustaining you. It's part of your resilience. When I [00:15:00] speak about finding joy, I am reminded that joy can be found in many areas, including in this sense.

in these acts of mutual support. Now, people talk about their love languages all the time.

People talk about their love languages all the time, and people will say acts of service, or romantic gestures, gifts, affection. I never hear people mention mutual support. I never hear people mention mutual support. Mutual support is a love language. I do for you, you do for me. But not even, you do for me because I do for you.

You do for me because we are in this together. We're doing for each other. I never hear anybody mention mutual support. And mutual support applies not only in [00:16:00] romantic relationships, it applies in many different dynamics, like co worker relationships. Right? You cover for someone who has to leave early because they have to take their kid to a baseball game or they got a sick kid or something or Somebody in your community needs Somebody in your community needs their rent paid and you show up for them because you've known them You know, they they're a good person somebody in your apartment building needs their rent paid here.

I'll cover your rent I know it's it's it's not it's not exactly far fetched But what do you think all these GoFundMes are? These GoFundMes are a form of mutual support. I mean, what you're getting back from the person may just be a thank you. But you're helping to support people who are in need of something.

They need something covered. They need something covered. And you're showing up for them to help them get that covered. [00:17:00] And they thank you and they're grateful.

Mutual support. In our communities, we show up to replace trees that have burned down, park benches that have been rusted. We show up to fix up, you know, park equipment so that children can have a place to play and what we get back from them is seeing the joy on their faces when they get to the park and they see that they have something to use to play with the swings and the jungle gyms and stuff.

You support your communities this way. I don't hear people mentioning mutual support as an, as a love language, but it absolutely is. And it is something that you should expect. Like other love languages, you should expect that too. If this is how you are, if this is how you feel fulfilled in a relationship, if that affirms you in a relationship, your [00:18:00] partner should be giving that to you.

But they have to know that. You got to tell them that. If you say, my love language is acts of service, well, then your partner should keep that in mind when they want to do something special for you, or when you need them to show up for you. Cause see, mutual support is, it's about showing up. Most of it is just about showing up.

You know, and how do you show up for the people you love? They're sick and they're in the hospital. You are there. You drop all your shit and you go to the hospital and you are there with them. They need you to pick them up from work every day. You're there picking them up from work every day. They need you to fix them lunch, fix them lunch.

You got lunch, they got dinner. Or, you got dinner and they got lunch, and [00:19:00] you guys do breakfast together. Or, I mean, one is washing clothes and one is picking up the dry cleaning, dropping off the dry cleaning. One is washing, one is drying. I mean, it's, it's, it's not a tag team, but it's a team. It's not one person doing everything.

And then the other person, is going to work and coming home and getting on the game. Or sitting on the couch watching basketball, football, butt ball, whatever the hell. is on TV. It's not, it's not an imbalance. It is balanced. It's not even perfect because at any time in a relationship, you're going to have to wear a bunch of different hats for the person you're with.

You do this for your kids, too. You do this for your parents. You do this for your siblings. You do this for your friends. And I will see that there are people who show up for [00:20:00] their friends and family better than they show up for their romantic partners. It's crazy. And if you're in a relationship where people are doing more for their friends and their mama and daddy if you see that they're showing up for other people, like their best friend, Hey, my best, he needs me to help him move. But when you ask them to take out the trash, it takes them 5, hours. But when their buddy calls and says, Hey, I need you to help me, uh, unload some lumber for my truck. They're hopping up, getting out of the house. They love spending time with their friends more than they love spending time with you.

They love doing things for their friends more than they love doing things for you. That is not something you can fix. It is not something you can fix. You can yell and scream, and it might change for a couple of weeks, a couple of days, but eventually it's going to revert back to the way it was that pissed you off, and you're either going to have [00:21:00] to decide, hey, I'm just going to put up with it because I love being with this person, or you're going to have to leave, break up.

And let me just say, It is okay to break up. It is. Please. I insist. More of you need to do this because a lot of you are in relationships that are not serving you. That are not serving you at all. You look miserable. You look miserable. Some of you are in very loving, very supportive relationships and I, and I love that for you because that's the way it should be.

But a lot of you are in relationships where you're, you don't even spend time with the person you're with. You two don't take vacations together and when you do, one of you is looking real miserable. You should want to spend time with the person you're in a relationship with, even if you've been together for 50 freaking years.

You should want to spend some [00:22:00] amount of time together. Like, kind of, you know, you come home from work and you just sit and unload the one, download everything that's happened and then the one person sits and listens. They just listen. They just listen. They have a supportive ear. See, support, supportive ear.

But what made me think of this? What made you think of this, Aiyana? This time, it's something in the celebrity world. Taylor Swift, the songstress, the singer, the entertainer, is dating Travis Kelce, who plays, apparently, some kind of American sports game, ball game.

Um, and she, for the longest time, Has been quiet about her political beliefs. People kind of assumed they knew where she stood on certain things. But in last year's 2024 general election, Taylor Swift declared that she was voting for former Vice President Kamala Harris. And [00:23:00] she was vehemently against Donald Trump for various reasons.

And she listed some of them. One of them happens to be that, you know, he was found civilly liable for sexual assault. That should disqualify anybody. But then he's got these felony convictions and he was found guilty and he was, uh, sentenced. To whatever, no prison because he's the president, whatever. But he's a convicted felon.

Again, that should have disqualified him from, from running for president. None of these things did because apparently people like having someone that they can relate to as president.

So she lays it all on the table. She, she Instagram. I remember this. It was, it was a huge news. Huge. Because all the Democrats were thinking, Oh, we got the Swifties on our side, the Swifties. And what do you see when you go on to TikTok and Twitter and all these other spaces? You see the Republican Swifties, the MAGA Swifties.[00:24:00]

They're burning the Taylor Swift merch. They're burning it. That evil heifer. Can't believe she'd turn on us. She turned on them. She turned, oh, they were burning her albums. This one lady was like, yeah, I bought tickets to this concert, and now we're gonna sell them, and, and my daughter's so upset, and I'm pissed off, and how could she do this?

How could she betray us like this? And I'm sitting there thinking, Taylor Swift betrayed you, but you're voting for someone who sexually assaults women in dressing rooms of department stores.

Just sit with that. You know, just sit with that.

Sit with that. So, Taylor's Taylor, you know, she's gonna do whatever she wants, she's a billionaire. Even if you're not a billionaire, do whatever the hell you want. Right? And the consequences will be what the consequences are. But at the recent football sports [00:25:00] match of the Bowl of Super, I believe this was media day.

We all now know the outcome of the game, but this was media day before the game. And, uh, some reporter asked Travis Kels how he felt about having Donald Trump at the Super Bowl. And we had already seen Donald Trump tweet about how proud he was of, uh, Patrick Mahomes and, and his wife, Magga, yay, they're Magga.

Patrick Mahomes mother is Magga. His entire family is MAGA, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, they're all a bunch of nut jobs. Yeah, cause it's a cult, okay? Argue with your mama. And somebody asks him, So how do you feel about having Trump at the Super Bowl? You know, the first sitting president to ever be at a Super Bowl. Travis goes, Oh, I feel honored. Now, when Taylor Swift Said what she said about Donald Trump and she was going to vote for Kamala Harris. Donald Trump went [00:26:00] after. Taylor Swift. Like, he said some very not nice things about her on the internet and he sent his goons after her to do the same thing.

Now, when I heard what Travis Kelce said, me being who I am, I said, what? Now, he could have just been saying, I feel honored because it's a president there. He

He felt honored because Trump was, was there. Trump, the president, was there. He didn't have anything negative or nasty to say about Trump. I'm sure he knew what the consequences of that would be. Although now that they've lost the game, if he wanted to come out and say how he really felt, we're all waiting. But He said, I feel honored and I, I'm so glad that he can watch me play or some, some, some, something stupid where it was clear that he [00:27:00] was, um, happy that Trump was going to be there watching the game. Now. If that was my man, my man, if he wanted to stay my man, he would not be given any kind of shine, any kind of time to someone who talks shit about me publicly.

Okay. And I've had men in my life who have talked shit about me and have had been, had been in the presence of people who have talked shit about me and they've done absolutely nothing about it. You don't see those people anywhere around me, do you? For a very good reason, okay? People, when they hear negative things about you, and they don't go, Uh, you know what?

No. No. I'm, I'm not. Mm mm. Instead, they listen, they participate in it, or they bring it back to you and go, Well, you know what so and so said, [00:28:00] and I think you need to do something about this. I had a man do that to me once. He came to me and he said, So and so said that you were too quiet when we got together.

And that you acted like you didn't want to be around them. And you're always so dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. I am no longer with that man. Cause what? Why didn't you defend your wife? Hmm? And it's the same question I pose to Travis Kelce. If you're listening, if you're listening, hun, why didn't you defend your girlfriend?

Why did you make it a point of saying that you feel honored that the man who, um, that the man who slandered your girlfriend, whom you love so much, whom you respect so much, The man who slandered her publicly, you said that you felt honored to play in his presence. No man, if he wants to stay with me, will ever, [00:29:00] will ever align himself with my haters.

Ever. No, that is a mistake. That is a mistake. What you should have done was said, I'm happy that anybody can come here and watch this game. It's such an honor to play in this game. And I'm happy that everyone will get to see me play. Or everyone will get to see our team play. I'm happy for anybody who gets to come here and watch this game because, you know, it's a big deal.

Or you could have said nothing. I mean, there were a few players who actually said nothing. And that says a lot. You could have just said, Wow, you know what? The sun is shining in New Orleans. The weather is mmm. And people would have made of it whatever they wanted to. But they also would have made of it, He's doing that because his girlfriend is Taylor Swift.

And Trump [00:30:00] has talked shit about his girlfriend. And he is on the side of his girlfriend. Travis Kelce is on the side of Travis Kelce, okay? Travis Kelce is on his own side. Taylor Swift is in a relationship with a man who is on his own side. And it shows. It shows so badly. And I remember the day that he said, I posted on Threads, I said, um, by the way, the show is on Threads, but I'm also on Threads and Facebook and Instagram and TikTok.

The show is on all the social medias. You can check it out. You can find all that information on the website, but I posted on Threads and Facebook. Um, Taylor, it's not too late to dump Travis Kelce. It's 1119 p. m. Yes, you can dump a man before his big[00:31:00]

And the responses I got on Facebook were laughs. But on threads, it was, Honey, you can't invite me to murder to dump her boyfriend because he's on the political belief in the Hillary campaign and why would you do that? And you seem so stupid. You don't know what you're talking about. You're being stupid.

Listen, I know what I'm talking about. Okay. I can read people. I can read, I read people's energy. When people, what people do or don't do, they say or they don't say, that silence speaks volumes. And I read one article and I was like, well, in private, she really doesn't care that he said that. It's not really a big deal.

Bullshit. Not only that, the fact that they had now lost the Super Bowl, it's going to be even more glaring. The fact that Trump was [00:32:00] there, and he was rooting for the Chiefs, and the Chiefs lost, and Travis was honored to have Trump at the game, where he lost.

And, my gosh, Taylor, it's Monday. Yes, you can dump a guy before Valentine's Day. You can. You can dump him after Valentine's Day. You could wake up on Midnight, February 14th, and go, you know what, yeah, I'm just going to head out.

But you know what, it's not just this, I have so many examples of men not engaging in mutual support with their girlfriends and wives, with their girlfriend or wife. Not just from my life, but from popular media. That I said to [00:33:00] myself, yes, we have a problem. There is a problem. Why aren't people supporting each other when they are in relationships?

Publicly, privately, whatever. And maybe it's just me, but if you talk shit about the person that I'm with, and I hear about it, or I see it, oh, I'm coming for your eyeballs. Not literally. I'm a lover, not a fighter. But I'm gonna defend my man. I mean, if he's wrong, he's wrong, but a lot of y'all just be on online talking shit and a lot of y'all be on the phone talking shit.

And a lot of y'all just be places talking shit about people. You like to talk mess about people. I have had to defend the man that I'm with many, many, many times over the years when I'm with him. Because there's always somebody who doesn't like something about the way he looks or the way he talks or the [00:34:00] way he acts.

It never fails with any man I've ever been with. There's always somebody who's gonna talk some kind of smack. And this is why I had to cut people out of my, not only my relationships, but my life. Because people always have something to say. Always. And it wasn't that I wasn't gonna just ignore them.

Ignore the, just ignore the, the haters. Shake them off. No, I'm not going to surround myself with people who, whenever I have something good going on in my life, they have something negative to say. Whenever I have something that brings me happiness, they have something negative to say about it. Or they, they, they minimize it.

Treat it as if it's not a big deal. Because it has nothing to do with them. Those people are not around me. I only surround myself with people who are supportive. [00:35:00] That's it. I surround my people with people who are su I surround myself with people who are supportive. Period. And I am supportive of the people who choose to have me in their life.

Period. Period. Mutual support is for everything. Romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships, work relationships.

You know, people gatekeep things. People do that at work. They do it online, they do it at work. People gatekeep things because they don't want you to have what they have. They don't want you to look how they look or have the opportunities that they have. So they keep the information to themselves, even though you've known them for a long time and you've supported them for a long time.

They won't share their knowledge with you. Yeah, sharing knowledge is mutual support too. But there are people who will gatekeep. But you know, um, [00:36:00] another example of this, and this is also from popular media, and I can't stand this person, but uh, J. D. Vance, the current vice president of these United States.

Uh, and this was, and I can't even believe people didn't like hop on this right away. I feel like I was one of the first people to go, huh? You did what? Girl that ain't your man. This is how you know a man ain't your man. He ain't your man, okay? JD

Vance is married to Usha Vance, his wife. They've been married for a while. They have three children together. Usha Vance is Indian American. She's Indian. Um, J. D. Vance recently went on to Twitter, because that's where the maggots meet, and he expressed his concern that a young man had [00:37:00] resigned from the D.

1. G. E. I guess it's an advisory committee of some things, of some sort. in the federal government. I, it sounds made up to me, honestly. I've, I've never seen, um, any congressional approval of it, but this young man resigned from the DOGE because Uh, tweets that he had made in the past that are extremely vile and disgusting and racist surfaced and he thought, you know what?

I'm just going to bow out. I'm not going to, you're not going to cancel me. He quit his job and JD Vance goes, I don't think a young man should have to, I don't think I'm, uh, uh, a young man should have to quit his job because of statements he made when he was, uh, in the, because of statements he made in the past.

And now the statements, you're probably asking what those statements are. Here is what the young The youngin said. He [00:38:00] said, Just for the record, I was racist before it was cool, and another one said, normalize Indian hate, and then another one said, you could not pay me to marry outside of my ethnicity. And you know, we all are going to write something that we will regret.

But that racism is not only something that you regret, but racism is something that you actually have to reroute your brain. From ever thinking this was okay. It's not something you unlearn. No, you can't unlearn that. There's no unlearning. You actually have to reroute your brain. And this young man is someone who works with Indian people, Indian Americans, on this Doge team.

And you have to wonder, is he still racist? I mean, [00:39:00] I would, I, there's no way he isn't, in my opinion, there's no way he isn't still someone who thinks and feels this way, but you know, people do change, people change, but racism isn't an opinion. It's not an opinion. It's a theory. It's a school of thought that people are taught, that they learn.

So you have to be taught a lot of other things. You have to experience a lot of other things. You have to immerse yourself in a lot of different other cultures and races and ethnicities. You have to experience a lot of life, read a lot, to reroute your brain from thinking that these Racism is cool, that racism is normal, that it's okay to hate someone because of their ethnicity or their race.

You don't just [00:40:00] wake up one day and go, Oh, you know what? I was actually just having a bad day. I had some heartburn and it was making me crazy and that's why I said what I said. So JD Vance gets on Twitter and he's like, Yeah, that young man shouldn't lose his job because of it. Keep in mind that he quit.

He didn't get fired. He quit. He quit. He resigned. He knew what, he knew where this was going. Although no one could have predicted that the vice president of the United States would get involved with someone's employment. Because what the hell does that have to do with what you do every day? Although this is probably the most substantial thing you've done.

Since you've been in office, weirdo. But he doesn't defend his wife. JD Vance does not defend his wife. JD Vance! His statements about his wife are very, um, telling. About how he feels [00:41:00] about being married to a woman. She is a thing to him. She is the mother of their kids. Those are her kids. He's said this before several times, that those are her kids.

She's, she's probably a trad wife at this point. But she is a thing to him. She's an object. She's something that he uses to bolster himself in the political realm. That's, she's not someone that he I mean, I'm sure he has some affection for her, but he doesn't defend this woman. He doesn't guard this woman.

You couldn't, me, you could not get me to say one kind thing about someone who has been racist. Towards someone I love and spend every day of my life with, let alone ask their former [00:42:00] boss to give them their job back. Hell no. Hell no. Are you crazy? JD Vance goes, Well, obviously I don't agree with some of the things he said, but a kid shouldn't lose his job because of some tweets he made when he was younger.

I'm sorry, what? Is that all it is? Just some tweets he made when he was younger? So it's not his actual brain that believes racism. It's okay that racism is, is the way to go, that racism is cool. That's not the problem. It's the fact that he said it out loud. That's what you have a problem with? So if he had just kept quiet about it, nobody would have ever known that there was this um, xenophobe, this, this pig hiding among their ranks, secretly hating them because of who they are, because of their immutable characteristics.

It's the fact that he said it, not the fact that he feels that way. [00:43:00] This is how he feels about your wife and your kids who are, are, are half Indian. You didn't defend your wife. You didn't defend your kids. You didn't condemn racism. You didn't condemn his racism. You didn't condemn what he said. You condemned him losing his job because of what he said.

And then you use some good line about, Oh, you're Christian. You gotta show people grace. No, the fuck you do not. I don't know what kind of Christianity you practice, sir, but Christianity, like Islam, is not a blank check for you to be an asshole because you think somebody's going to forgive you and show you grace.

Why did you insert yourself in that conversation? Why? Why did you insert yourself in that? You didn't have to. It had [00:44:00] nothing to do with you. You went out of your way. You went online to read this. And then to comment on it online, and then to advocate for this person getting their job back online.

You had to actively do all of that. You know how much energy it takes to hate your wife that much? You hate your wife. Ooh, Chavans, that ain't your man. He hates you. And there are women in relationships right now, their partner hates the hell out of them. Sometimes your man is your biggest hater.

Sometimes your man is your biggest hater. And you're gonna have to come to terms with that and find out what you're gonna do about it. Because it's not going to change. It just gets worse. It gets worse.

Now, I'm not saying these people don't like each other, [00:45:00] but at the time, there was a rumor swirling about why Michelle Obama was not president, was not present at Jimmy Carter's funeral service. When, uh, Barack Obama was there and all the other first ladies, former first ladies were there. People started talking about, Oh, I heard that they're getting a divorce because Barack Obama is in love with Jennifer Aniston?

It sounds stupid. It sounds stupid because it is stupid. But Michelle Obama is doing what a lot of black women are doing right now. And that is resting the fuck. Okay? Resting TF, resting the, because we are tired of showing up for people who don't show up for us. We are tired, we are over showing up for people who do not show up for us.

We are tired of not receiving [00:46:00] what we give to others. And Michelle Obama was one of the Democrats who worked tirelessly to help get, uh, Vice President Kamala Harris elected. And she has endured a lot of nastiness, a lot of vile, disgusting comments about her sexuality, her hair, her body build, her face, her everything.

Everything. And some of that has come from Donald Trump and his maggots. Here it is, Barack Obama sitting next to Trump at Jimmy Carter's funeral. So I know he's being diplomatic. He has to be diplomatic. He's a former president of the United States. He has to show, you know, some decorum. Nobody else wanted to sit next to Trump.

Nobody else was talking to him. Here goes Barack Obama. He's being a good guy. He's being folks. Sitting there. And I don't know what they were [00:47:00] talking about. They could have just been talking about, you know, Oh, look at the funeral program. Look at this nice paper they printed it on. But I tell you what,

if you're on my side, you're not even cracking a smile at somebody who talks shit about me. Not at all. And I'm not saying I control people, but if somebody got online and said the things about Michelle Obama that Trump and his maggots have said about her, you couldn't even smell me. That's how far away from you I would be.

But hey, I'm just me, I'm just a podcast host, lawyer, single mother, scratching and surviving. I don't know that world. I don't know that, you don't know the celebrity world, Ayana. These people are millionaires and billionaires. You don't know their world. You don't know what they have to do to get by, to get through.

They have to do a lot of [00:48:00] things they don't want to do. They have to say a lot of things they don't want to say. And then they have to keep quiet about a lot of things that they don't want to keep quiet about. You just don't know. Okay. Whatever. Michelle Obama also wasn't at that inauguration, was she? Hmm.

Guess who got booed at the inauguration? Yeah, oh yeah, they booed Barack Obama. But he was so happy, so proud to be there. So proud. He got booed.

Better listen to your wife. Better show your wife support. If she's not there, you shouldn't be there either. I mean, he could have easily said no. Could have easily said no. No, Marock, he's always gotta show up. Always gotta be seen. But, that mutual support. It goes so many ways and it applies in so many dynamic, dynamics that when you get tired, you get [00:49:00] tired, you're done, you're tired, you're done.

Remember what I said? Women, when we're done, we are done. But you know what? I yawn up. Come on, there have to be men who are not like that. Of course there are invisible people that I'm talking to. There are men who uplift and support their partners, showing. You know, what healthy dynamics look like, and ideally, now this is ideally, our relationship should foster teamwork, where both people feel safe, empowered, and appreciated.

Safe, empowered, and appreciated. Now Usha Vance and Michelle Obama are accomplished attorneys and Taylor Swift is an accomplished entertainer, entertainer. And I know I'm sitting here talking about, you know, how they probably feel, how they probably should feel about something that happened, but I don't really feel sorry for them.

I don't. They know what they signed up for. And if they continue to stay, [00:50:00] they really know what they signed up for and they agree to it. But their man's career will always be compared to theirs and at some point will probably be more important than theirs in the grand scheme of things, unfortunately. But this is, this is, this is the game they play.

These are the trade offs that they make. Men don't downplay their success either, but do they downplay their women's success? Now listen, don't judge me, but I know you're going to anyway. I watch some reality TV, and it's all trashy, but I call my particular shows trashy. And there's this particular show, I will not name names, but you will guess.

It revolves around couples who are from different countries, but one person in the couple migrates to the other's country for marriage. Wink, wink. Uh, there's a couple who did this several years ago, and they've been happily married for a while, and they now have three [00:51:00] children. And in the beginning of their marriage, the wife agreed to be a trad wife, a traditional wife, and be a stay at home mom when they had kids.

They're of a particular Eastern religion. But at some point of being a wife and a mom for several years, the wife felt like she needed something more. She wanted to get a job outside of her house. Her husband. Got so mad like he was turning red mad. Okay, and this woman had had Major surgery she had her body reconstructed or whatever the hell mommy makeover and he had to take care of the three babies By himself for I think it was six weeks and he had a little bit of help from his father who was there from Visiting from this eastern country, but he was hot He was like, when are you gonna be, when are you going to be done recovering from this?

I need help with the dishes and the kids and the meals and da [00:52:00] da da da da da da da da da da da. He was upset that he had to work and then also take care of the kids, which is something women do every day, by the way, by the way. But when they were sitting at this dinner and she was explaining to him, hey, you know what, I feel unfulfilled and I just want to go to work, I just want to have a job, I need something more.

Her husband was like, No, that's not what I signed up for. And she goes, well, I, but I thought that you would support me. I thought you would be my cheerleader. He was like, what, you want me to put on a skirt and have some pom poms and relay pom poms and be your cheerleader? No, I didn't sign up for this. I signed up for you're the mom.

You stay at home and you cook and you clean and you take care of the kids and I go to work. If you go to work, that's going to stop and I don't want it to stop. I don't want you to have a job. I'm not happy about this. You're not going to do it. I'm going to be very upset. And he was upset, and she's sitting there, and she's just, [00:53:00] you know, Descending into a puddle of tears, and I'm looking at this shit like, what?

What? Excuse me! This woman is telling you that she feels unfulfilled, that she is unhappy, and she's probably been struggling for a while. You do struggle when you have little kids. Your entire life literally is handed over to them. Every moment, waking moment, I say this as the single mom of two kids who has only recently, because mine are 17 and 20, who has only recently begun to have my own life.

Your entire life becomes about your children. Your, your whole life. You can't even sleep at night because you're thinking about some shit the kids have to do the next day and they've probably got appointments and sports activities and play dates and they've got to go to school and what are they gonna wear to school and all this reminds me I have to put money on my daughter's lunch [00:54:00] account and I have to call my son to make sure he, you know, to ask him how school is going because he's away at college and da da da da da da da da da And it's, it, it, it gets easier, but not for a long time, not for a long time.

And so you will feel like you've lost yourself. And if you're married and you're not really getting the, uh, you're not, your efforts are not being reciprocated. You're the one who has to do all of the home stuff plus all of the kids stuff. You're probably feeling like you're just a servant. Which, I mean, essentially, you are.

That's what you've allowed yourself to become. It's what you've allowed yourself to become, even if you agreed to it. At some point, you know, you've got three kids versus the one you probably thought you were gonna have. And these three kids [00:55:00] have needs, and then your husband has needs, and then the house has needs.

And where are, where do your needs fit in? Who's, who's fulfilling mommy? And then when you tell somebody that you need something more, that you just need just a little bit more, I need some suppor I need something outside of the house, and this is when you need the person to show up for you, and they go, No, I ain't showing up for you.

Like, for your man to say that to you? For your man to say that to you? Oh, whoa. Oh my gosh. Now that sucks. That sucks, oh gosh, you need to, when you need your person, who you've always been, you know, this is my man, this is my husband, I love him so much, he's such a great daddy. Such a d d d d d d d d d, when you need that guy, to do that for you, and he's like, no!

I'm still waiting for you to, to get up [00:56:00] off your ass, from your surgery, so you can take care of these kids! I didn't sign up for this. Ooh. Mm. Mm, mm, mm. Mm. No, ma'am. No, ma'am. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. That might be your husband, but that ain't your man. That ain't your man. He might be your husband, but he ain't your man.

And of course, you know, when he gets the chance to see himself on TV and when he reads the, the angry tweets from, from people saying that he's a bully and a, and a chauvinist and a misogynist and da, da, da, he goes, well, you know, I, of course I support my wife. She's my wife. She's my world. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm not going to let anything happen to her. I just, I want her to be happy. Blah, blah, blah. But shamed. For your behavior by thousands of people that suddenly it dawns on you, it [00:57:00] occurs to you that maybe you should support your wife, even if it was just an idea she had in her head. You say, baby, you know what?

I'm, if you need me to pack boxes, if you need me to put labels on boxes, I got you. I'm there. I'm there. I have spent many a sleepless night helping dudes do some shit. Many, and I have done lots of things and neglected myself to help people who did not reciprocate at all in any way, shape, form, or fashion.

And you really don't know that they're like this until they show you. You really don't know, because you see them showing up for their family. They're, they're, oh, he's gonna do that for me too. Right? You see them showing up for their friends. Oh, he's gonna be that way with me too! And then he's not. And then you, you think it's about you.

[00:58:00] You think there's something wrong with you. You internalize that. Well, maybe I'm not worthy of having someone show up for me. Maybe I'm not worthy of having someone support me. Maybe I'm not worthy of having someone give to me the love that I give to them. That's bull. You are absolutely worthy of the love that you give to others.

You are worthy of the energy that you give to others. Don't ever think that you're too much. Don't ever think that you're doing too much. You're not. You're just doing for other people what you want to have done for you. And no, there's not going to be somebody who's always going to match you 100%, but there are people who won't even fucking try.

They won't even try. Right now, there is a man somewhere thinking, okay, uh, Valentine's Day is on Thursday, right, or on Friday, right? So on Friday morning, I'm gonna go to the Dollar Tree, and I'm gonna see what kind of cards they have. And I'm going to, um, maybe get, uh, her some candy [00:59:00] that costs like a dollar because they sell candy there too.

And then on the way to her place, I'm going to sign my name in the card and maybe put 50 in it. And that's going to be what he thinks about her. A last minute gift. A last minute gift. No thought, no No personalization. Does she even like candy? I mean, maybe she told you she wanted blah blah blah blah blah.

I know men like to get what they want and women are usually good at getting it. But, uh, what do they call the day after thanks? The day after Valentine's Day? Or the day before Valentine's Day? Steak in a BJ? That shows you how out of touch I am. I have no idea what you people do. No, I do. Someone help me.

Anyway,

people, we're the love of God. If you have [01:00:00] someone in your life who was showing up for you, show up for them. Show up for them. Cause I mean, I, I could be wrong, but my personal experience has been these exact scenarios and I'm not projecting. This is what I'm actually seeing in other people's relationships. And I've had to listen to stories. And I've had to see these things happening with my own eyes. Of the mutual support just completely does not exist. And it's usually the woman doing all of the things for the man, for the family.

Showing up, showing up, showing up, and she asks him to do one thing. And it's, it's a big deal, it's a production, it's drama, it's women giving, giving, giving and getting the least bit possible given to them. If you are in a relationship and you want it to be healthy. You want it to be healthy? [01:01:00] Then you stand up for your partner. You provide emotional support, public defense of them. You take a stand against unfair treatment that they might be receiving.

Especially at work or in their familial relationships, men will watch their, their women get bullied to hell by their parents, by their siblings, by their aunts, uncles, grandparents, and do not a fucking thing, nothing. And you'll say, well, but I don't want to get involved because it has nothing to do with me.

But then your wife is at home at night crying after she gets off the phone with her family or. Reading the, the family group chat and people are saying things about her and her cooking and the way she keeps house and, and she's feeling these feelings and you're not doing anything about it. You can listen to her, you can rub her back, you can affirm her, you can make sure that they understand how their, their, their [01:02:00] actions are hurting her.

Helping people to, to just reinforcing things is not you getting involved. You don't have to get in someone's face to be involved, to defend your partner, to be like, hey, you know what? You guys are not being nice to my wife, girlfriend, whatever. And it's, it's hurting her. She's feeling hurt by this. And so, we're just gonna lay low from you guys for a while.

And they'll get pissed off. Who cares? You don't want your partner to be in pain from something that can be controlled. And what can be controlled is others access to your partner. Right? Mutual support in relationships means that both partners actively help. And encourage and stand by each other emotionally, physically, through life's ups and downs.

Because there are going to be so many, so many, so many. When you take on somebody onto your ship, [01:03:00] when you take passengers onto your ship, honey, you have, you're responsible for all of it. They get sick, somebody tries to jump over. Uh, if there's choppy waters, you gotta be at the captain's dinner. You gotta steer the boat away from the iceberg.

You gotta bring somebody on. You are responsible, not just for their physical being, but their emotional well being. Of course, everybody's responsible for themselves, but when you become a partnership, oh, that is an active job. You actively help, encourage, and stand by each other

after a tough day at work, you listen to your partner's issues without judgment. You offer comforting words. You help your partner unwind. When one partner faces a personal loss, you clear your schedule to help them through that loss. You share household chores without those rigid gender roles. When one partner is sick, the other one manages.

Their [01:04:00] partner's responsibilities. And I, I saw this, this video on, uh, TikTok that pissed me off now. This woman was sick for several days. And she lives at home with her husband and her three kids who are all teenagers.

Well, one of them is a young adult, like 20, 21, something like that. The house, particularly the kitchen, Was disgusting. Disgusting. No one had done a damn lick of anything while she was sick. Nobody had done anything. It was nasty. And she's, you know, recording this and throughout the video she's crying I don't know what to do.

I don't know what I'm gonna do. It's so dirty and I was sick for all this time and I don't know what I'm gonna do. Honey. You pack a bag, and you leave. Or, you pack their bags, and they leave. They're [01:05:00] either going to be there and clean up and help you, or you're going to leave,

I am so serious. There is no way that you are sick, thick, can't move, you're sweating, you got a fever for three days, and you wake up and your house is nasty. I would have shook, I would have shaken, like taken my house off of the supports and shook the entire house until those people got out of their comforts.

And fell into whatever trash they left and were made to smell it and clean it up. There's no way. There's no way. And for you to be crying because these people aren't doing what you expected them to do, when number one, you know who they are. You know that you've been doing everything for them. That's probably why they don't do anything for themselves.

And number three, they probably were not the ones who were taking care of you while you were sick. You were probably taking care of [01:06:00] yourself too. People will show you how they feel about you. They will show you how they feel about themselves. You have to be paying attention and you cannot expect them to do anything more for them or for you than what they have shown they are already willing to do.

And either you're going to accept that and not be on the internet crying. Or you're going to leave them, and move on with your life. Either to be alone, or with someone who's going to give you that mutual support that you seek in your relationships.

 You need to show yourself that you are worthy of the love that you give, the support that you give. That you are worthy of people giving to you what you give to them. And you need to not be sitting somewhere crying.

You need to not be putting up with someone not defending you in public. You need to not be putting up with someone making googly eyes and smiling at the person who talks shit about you. Right?

A partner cheering you on is the [01:07:00] minimum. It is the minimum. Mutual support strengthens bonds. It builds trust. And it helps both individuals grow as a team. Relationships thrive on mutual support and they falter without it. Remember that. And this has been Ayanna Explains It All, brought to you by Facts, Figures, and Enlightenment.

Take care. [01:08:00]